Today I am officially 30. I have a sweet husband, a house I love, and a little baby coming in December. There have been so many ups, downs, and HUGE life decisions in the last 10 years. I’ve spent the last few days pouring through my blog posts since I was 20, now mostly private, and found myself laughing and sometimes crying. I know this next decade will be so different. For one, this will be my first decade of my life start to finish with my husband and I’m so excited about that! For two, with babies, I am sure this decade will be a little less selfish and a lot more noisy 🙂 . Regardless, these are life lessons from my twenties. I am really excited to see how they compare to the next decade when I sit down and write.
13 LIFE LESSONS FROM MY TWENTIES
Good relationships feel calm.
I have to admit that when I dated Devin, I didn’t know how to deal with the lack of chaos. I was used to more dysfunction, honestly. I didn’t quite understand this until a few years later until therapy. I had never had someone treat me the way he did and he raised my expectations constantly. We have had plenty of things happen in the course of our marriage that have been hard, but we’ve always worked hard to communicate and understand each other peacefully [and I promise, we’re super different personality wise]. You can read our story here.
It is okay to feel afraid of making big life decisions.
As I’ve gotten older, I’ve been very happy with the decisions I have made. Being a little worried means that I really research, took seriously, and cared about the commitments I made. That being said, I don’t know how many times I thought about dumping Devin. It wasn’t because I didn’t like and eventually love him, but because I knew if I kept dating him we’d probably get married.
Marriage is a big deal and I had decided it was a construct that was limiting. I felt getting married meant I wouldn’t travel, go to grad school, and I would cease to be an individual (I worry about these things as an upcoming mother too!). Well, we have traveled, I did go to grad school, and I’m still definitely an individual; also, I’m really happy I took a leap of faith.
Therapy is really good, but with the right therapist.
I’ve been going to therapy once to twice a month since November 2016. I tried once in college to go and the counselor began crying reading over my file. I was kind of like “great, this lady feels sorry for me” and I noped out of there. I went to my current therapist, M, for a few years, but couldn’t really find her again since physical therapy prevented me from going during my normal times [hot mess express]. I tried another person out and after I told her my deal, she goes “I don’t believe you.” I broke up with her immediately after my appointment via email and it took me another two years to reach out.
I found my original counselor M from when we moved to Georgia and I’ve been seeing her regularly since! I feel like she really gets me. If you’re thinking of going to therapy, don’t be like me, keep on going until you find a good fit of a counselor- don’t wait or get even more discouraged! You can read about my counseling journey thus far here.
All long lasting relationships aren’t based on having everything in common.
This goes with relationships, friendships, marriage, etc. I’ve honestly spent most of my 20s not relating a ton to the people around me and that’s fine. My friends usually had children and I didn’t. I lived in the suburbs in grad school while most of my friends lived in the city. The list keeps going, but the older I have become the more I’ve realized that people’s hobbies and interests don’t always line up with mine. However, I do really enjoy when someone texts me and tells me they’re watching Anne with one E or a book I’ve recently read. You can read my thoughts on making friends as an adult here.
You don’t have to have it all figured out in college.
There was so much pressure on me to graduate on time in my undergrad and there was no hope of that after transferring universities. I felt like I had to find something practical and I felt like there was a clock timing me to do it all. I honestly wish I had just taken a semester or two off in college to give myself some time to explore different things, work and save up money so my grocery budget wasn’t $25 a week, and allow myself to have more fun and be less serious. I still find myself evaluating what my purpose is and I’ve found it often changes.
It is okay to love what you study, but not actually love it as a profession.
I loved what I learned as a Special Education teacher. I seriously loved it. However, I realized I was in love with the stability and practicality of it more than I was in love with it as a fit for me. As a future parent, I’m so happy I learned the behavior strategies I learned and the empathy of being a public school teacher.
I learned how to teach children how to read, how to be an adult who would listen, and also how to survive mounds and mounds of paperwork you can get sued over. However, I also felt like a failure that I didn’t feel 100% passionate about it either; I wasn’t a failure, I was someone in my 20s getting my first professional job experience. I learned that I do love teaching and I ended up going to grad school to learn how to be a different type of teacher.
Appearance isn’t everything.
I started out my 20s with such a low self-esteem. I had a really hard time liking myself, being critical of my body, and how I looked. When I gained thirty pounds in one month, 11 months after we married from thyroid issues which took a few years to find, I was positive Devin was going to think I was hideous or want a divorce or something.
I don’t know why I thought that since it wasn’t congruent with anything he had ever said or made me feel. Instead? We went shopping for clothes that fit me, signed up for a gym which we attended very regularly until we moved, and we carefully planned our meals. Did my weight go down? Actually, no, because my thyroid issues weren’t addressed until at least two years later, but Devin didn’t really care. He cared about me liking myself and not about my weight.
Years later when I was diagnosed with my thyroid autoimmune illness because half of my hair fell out, I cried, but I was more concerned about my health instead of how I looked.
Having minimal debt is worth it.
We have always lived on one income and it has meant pretty tight times because of it. We have a mortgage and a car payment, but we pay for everything ourselves. I worked in grad school and chose a program based on being able to get assistantships. We struggled when I was hit four times in a two year period because I would often get hit on both sides of our deductible (and no, I’m not a bad driver, 3/4ths of the wrecks I was in the car I was sitting in was literally stopped at a red light), but we made it work.
We had short-term roommates twice when I was in grad school even though we highly value privacy. We went a few months without eating out ever. We also timed Devin’s travel on his work schedule so our utility and grocery bill would halve. I cut both of our hair and I’m currently sporting an “Autumn original hair cut 😉 .” Do I miss scrimping like we did? Uh no, but I’m so happy that I graduated debt free. You can see how we can afford to travel here.
You should spend money on your footwear; your feet will thank you.
My clothing strategy for most of my twenties was: as cheap as possible. It didn’t matter that I was teaching or walking several miles a day in grad school, we had to save money because we had goals! In my last semester of grad school, my feet were killing me ALL THE TIME. I tried to replace my shoes with some cheap alternatives that seemed like they would be more comfortable. Nope, my feet were still killing me.
I started trying out tons of different shoes for fit, I tripled my shoe budget from $30 a pair or thrift store finds, and I started reading a lot of reviews for walking comfort. The Cougar brand has been my absolute favorite because they’re all water proof and they’ve handed up to 8+ miles of walking a day in Europe on cobblestone; you can see two pairs that I love here and here. My feet no longer ever hurt me, but I am still on the hunt for a pair of flats that work well for me.
Clutter gives me anxiety.
Life was packed our first few years here. It happened slowly, but our house became a clutter fest. Over the past year, I have taken car load after car load of stuff to the thrift store. I honestly don’t even know where all of the stuff was coming from. Nesting has hit our house hard with my pregnancy and I’m getting to the point of getting rid of less stuff and now trying to figure out how to organize all of it.
I also personally feel that every few years you should treat your home like you’re moving and really sort through everything. I do think clutter breeds more clutter and I’d rather spend time with my baby than sorting through this junk later. You can read how I decided to choose what to get rid of in my closet.
Grieving is not always a linear path.
My sister passed away my first weekend after my grad program started. I stayed in that whole labor day weekend crying a lot; I had a presentation the following class and I remember my group partner didn’t ever contact me until 3 AM the morning of even though I had emailed to explain what was going on. I put on my big girl panties, I presented the dang thing, and I felt semi-okay for the rest of the year.
A year later, I felt like I completely lost it and I began processing a lot. Uhh, it was hard. I wasn’t just processing my sister’s passing, but the realization that I had CPTSD from our relationship and other experiences. I was surprised this past month when her passing anniversary came up and I had a very normal day, but sometimes, grief still comes up and hits me in the face out of nowhere.
People are not always comfortable with your story (and it isn’t your problem).
I started out my 20s still in denial/ lack of understanding about many aspects of my life and trauma; denial really doesn’t promote growth. In a 10 question test rating adverse childhood experiences (ACE), I received an 8. I’ll give you a hint- the higher the score, the more adverse experiences you’ve had as a child. I no longer feel any shame about my experiences or discussing them. Can I always discuss them? Definitely not, but depending on the setting if it is appropriate, I am fine.
Alternately though, I don’t allow myself to be around people who make me feel shame or misplace guilt on me for having these experiences. I found it such a compliment when a month or two ago my therapist mentioned that I’m at a point in my recovery that I could probably be really helpful in helping other people; I felt like that was probably the kindest thing anyone has ever said to me.
Family is more of a fluid concept than I thought.
Out of all things, I never thought I’d develop more of a relationship with my biological family in my 20s or I would feel they had such an active part in my life. I actually hear more from my biological family than I’ve heard from my relatives I have known my whole life. We’ve gone on vacation to visit numerous cousins and my Aunt, I have contact with my biological sister multiple times a week, and I have a niece and nephew now that I love watching grow up.
All the people that want to pray with me, send me love, and get to know me are definitely welcome and it has been such a blessing for me! Additionally, I’ve made some friendships that have really helped me grow and discover so much about myself and the world! I’ve gone on two vacations with a pen pal I first began writing in middle school who lives in Finland, I have a few soul friends that have come out of the wood work to buoy me up and offer kindness and compassion, and I’ve developed a strong bond with a bonus cousin who married into the family.
If you’re wondering how I actually spent the day beyond writing this post, I ate all of the sushi (with fried or grilled fish, of course) I physically could to celebrate. … I’ve been lounging around the house ever since because I’m pretty sure nothing else will fit in there. We plan on eating Mexican maybe tomorrow or Saturday when my stomach has recouped from today. I’m excited to be 30 and I’m thankful for all of the life lessons in my twenties I have learned; I know there are many, many more and that is part of the fun.
