This year I chose the word strength as my word of the year.
Even though I am a long time tracker of goals I make every year, they kind of fell apart with the pandemic, a new autoimmune diagnosis, and then a hospital stay and subsequent week long bedrest. I had been in contact with my doctors daily because of how much pain I was in. I think the logic from then was: if I was able to take care of a toddler throughout the day then I was fine, but I wasn’t. I was giving everything I had to Evie, and my quality of life was becoming so poor that I couldn’t sleep or breath without extreme pain.
With all of that, I just stopped writing. I disconnected from blogging, which has been a home for my thoughts since middle school. My pandemic world has felt small, and frankly, being put on immunosuppressants was anxiety inducing. Starting steroids for months made me more immunocompromised, but it was what my body needed to reduce inflammation.
While on bed rest from my hospital stay, one of my counselors died and my dad told me he was dying soon. Devin’s mom flew cross country to help us run things while Devin was working and I wasn’t supposed to do anything, beyond taking pain medications.
When I thought of choosing the word strength for this year, this was honestly not how I pictured it. I had two doctors tell me they were worried I would die prematurely, that my autoimmune issues were surprisingly very severe for my age, and that I was a stroke risk because of what my immune system was doing (I had two Covid tests show negative, and they especially would not have put me on immunosuppressants if I had had Covid).
I felt weak, scared, and panicked at what Evie’s life might look like with a mother with chronic illness. There were a lot of unknowns.
However, this is when my thoughts around what strength looks like became a little more multidimensional.
We were shocked when someone started a meal train for our family and gift cards for food were sent from near and far, meals were dropped off on our door step, and people sent toys for Evie. I think this was when I started to realize sometimes we can’t have strength for ourselves, but others provide it. It is honestly one of the most tangible ways I have been loved by a community of people.
I began going to physical therapy twice a week for a few hours. It has helped me in ways my immunosuppressants can’t. My quality of life has become so much better than it has been in years. Physical therapy has helped my body, but it has also given me people to talk to outside of my home during a pandemic. Going to physical therapy has given me some time to be an individual outside of motherhood; this is a huge Godsend at a time when we cannot have a babysitter.
Having severe health issues made me practice setting boundaries and figure out what some of my boundaries were. The necessity of having to move away from group settings to receive my social interaction, has benefited me in that I cannot keep people at arm’s length. Through doing pandemic pods, I’ve ended up making really close and enriching friendships. All of the group activities I’ve done or planned since we moved here have been time filling, but they haven’t given me the same sense of fulfillment that closer friends have given me.
Devin has worked from home all year, and while I know he misses his coworkers, I’ve loved being able to see him throughout the day. I’ve loved that Evie has been able to have more time with him too. With all of the challenges I felt we have had this year, being at home as a family has been a huge blessing I never could have expected.
We spent our 10th anniversary eating fancy food at our dining table with our two year old. It isn’t how I pictured it, but who I was able to celebrate this achievement with was more important. Devin and I have really loved the time we’ve spent together this year and Evie has grown up into such a fun and chatty toddler.
Our home is less minimalist because we needed more kid activities and toys to keep things interesting. I feel like we lived outside until it was too cold for Evie’s liking. Instead of going on vacations or road trips (we did one pandemic friendly one this year), we invested in our hobbies and bought things for ourselves we normally wouldn’t.
We’ve been more creative this year and I’m grateful for our outdoor time. I had wanted to join some 1000 hours outside groups for toddlers and kids when Evie was this age, and I know that without the pandemic, I wouldn’t have branched out from my routine. I’ve loved exploring our area with her and there is still so much for us to explore outside.
In pursuit of trying to occupy myself this year, I felt a call to do more genealogy and know more about my background. I feel like it has been a beautiful way to add richness to my life’s tapestry. It’s nice to have more questions answered and to find more positive self concept from it. When you’re adopted, this can feel like you’re opening Pandora’s box, but sometimes the box is really great and you just have anxiety. 🤣
This year has thrown curve balls, but I have grown as a parent and person. I would never want to repeat this year and I want a vaccine ASAP, but I am glad that I ended up finding my word of the year in very unexpected ways. The reality is though that I feel really fortunate that we haven’t had Covid or had any family impacted (a few days ago, I found out a family friend passed away from Covid though).
We live in an area that has much lower infected numbers than the rest of the country; I’ve had many friends with similar issues who are much more isolated than we are just because people in their are are in general much less cautious.