My word for the year is worthy.
I’ve written this post a few different times and I’ve had a hard time coming up with the right words for it. The pandemic has had this weird way of bringing out every insecurity I have had in a very real and obvious way. I’ve felt more insecure about myself and my abilities, and about well, my worthiness to be accepted as I am.
I once read someone say that they didn’t lose themselves in motherhood, they lost it in the pandemic, and I relate. I think I’ve even mentioned it on the blog before. I’ve really struggled with feeling significant and my imposter syndrome has made it to where I feel like I can’t even type in my blog.
While I believe our worth as children of God is inherent, I’m hopeful this year to make some choices and have some opportunities to feel more confident. At the end of last year, I was like… I’m ready for some changes. I decided worthy was something I wanted to embrace in 2022.
So, let’s dive in.
I am worthy of a diagnosis. The right one.
After months of my old rheumatology office never getting back to insurance in time, I found a new one.
The new rheumatologist told me I didn’t have the arthritis disorder I had formerly been treated for for two years. She has a really blunt demeanor and some of her comments came across as really dismissive (wearing a mask didn’t help). Granted, my treatment wasn’t really helping my quality of life completely. When you have chronic illness, having a diagnosis is so validating, and losing that safety net was really terrifying for me. I’ve since had some really validating moments with her and I do feel I trust her professional opinion.
She started weaning me off of all of my immunosuppressive medications so we could see inflammation for testing.
I ended up feeling like the two worse flare up months of my life. I just wanted to crawl in bed and die. All of my energy went to going to the gym to work out my joints that were flaring so bad, playing with Evie, and crawling in our bed with heating pads so I was near our bathroom. The exhaustion and fatigue was so bad.
There have been so many appointments. So many tests. So many doctors shooting me to different doctors. However, we’re so close to a different autoimmune diagnosis that could really change my quality of life. I need that. Like really, I need that.
In 2022, I am worthy of a diagnosis that really changes my life. I mean it.
I am worthy of community.
Pandemic winters with a toddler are hard. When we were vaccinated, people were starting to get comfortable, then delta happened, then the omnicron variant happened. It has been a never ending stream of starts and stops socially. After two pandemic winters, I’ve come to the point where I don’t care if these is a deadly virus around. The CDC says we can do whatever where we live now, I want and need to be around people. I’ve finally made a pool of people that is large enough that I will eventually see someone when my social well is low. It has taken a long time to get to this point. The pandemic hasn’t been the most easy life situation to establish community during. 🤪
I used to check in with people and what they were doing before I saw them, but now, as long as you haven’t been exposed to someone with Covid-19, your kid doesn’t have cold or flu symptoms, and you’re vaccinated… I don’t care. I just want to see people and do normal things. We still mask at church and other places, but I’ve stopped making myself at the gym just because it feels impossible to breath and do cardio in a mask (I’ve seen people do it, and I’m impressed, but its not for me).
We also went back to church for the first time since having Covid last August. I missed church and I’m happy to be back, put on makeup and do my hair really nicely once a week, and I have loved seeing Evie experience church too.
I am worthy of fulfilling hobbies.
The pandemic has shown me how much fulfillment I find in being around people. However, I didn’t have a lot of independent hobbies outside of blogging and reading (and honestly, I didn’t feel like blogging… ).
When the new year started, I started branching out, even with my massive flare up.
Since I bought my gym membership again in November, I’ve consistently exercised at the gym and have been loving it.
In January, I downloaded duolingo which I always thought cost money (it’s free!)! I end up spending like a hour broken up throughout the day learning Finnish and Spanish. I have been loving it and looking forward to my lessons everyday, usually when Evie is potty training.
And the most random hobby of all…? I bought a fish tank for shrimp. It has been SO much fun watching them swim around, reorganizing their tank, and making it nice for them. Evie can talk about the whole life cycle of a shrimp and she loves watching them with us. They really provide us a lot of entertainment. I’m obsessed. 🙂
I’m worthy of some vanity.
Since August 2021, I have had braces in my mouth again. My teeth moved a lot when I was pregnant and I have absolutely loved having my teeth back where they should be. While I was not expecting to have 15 brackets on my teeth, I’m just glad to have my smile back!
Other vanities have included buying some more clothing for myself, buying two rugs that I absolutely love for our living room, and just not making myself feel guilty when I want some extra things for myself. The rugs look amazing and I’m so happy when I walk into that room now! This is our second house with a 10 by 20 entry room (how is this even possible), and it’s the first time I’ve felt happy about it!
I’m worthy of blogging, even without any monetary value to it.
Shortly after becoming a mom, I applied to Mediavine. Mediavine is a company that pays you for ads, and you can apply once you have a certain sessions number… it’s a big number every month!! It helped me have a nice passive income, which was very validating. However, it actually killed my motivation to blog.
I enjoyed being in the facebook group and seeing how very professional six figure bloggers do things, but then I realized that this is an ongoing and never ending job. I would see people lose all of their income when an algorithm change happened or a million other things like that.
… I can spend some money on a hobby, without it bringing me money (and write huge walls of text, like I did in this post without any goal beyond self-reflection). I still feel kind of weird about it, but I miss old school blogging and this is what I’m doing again.
I’m worthy of just the enjoyment of tracking my goals.
At this point, in March, I’ve already modified my goals for the year.
My goals for 2022 are more about tracking to keep myself accountable than “crushing it.” I don’t have the energy to compete with myself, but just tracking them motivates me.
In 2022…
Every month, I’m tracking:
- how many 30 minute sessions of exercise I had. My goal is 15+.
For the year, I’m tracking:
- chapters of scriptures I read
- books I’ve read
- dates with Devin
- blog posts published
- new recipes cooked
Even though we’re three months in…
It still isn’t too late to announce my word of the year and be publicly accountable. Honestly, it’s kind of fun to see how I’ve been applying it, even starting into last fall.
Every year, I buy a piece of jewelry that has my word on it. I’ve really loved my necklace this year. I’m loving that showing up for myself will also mean showing up more for every other part of my life.
I’m looking forward to seeing how this word evolves for me this year.