I’ve spent way too much time reflecting on how the last decade shaped my life. I ended up organizing all of the photos on my computer to commemorate and was stuck on nostalgia lane big time. However, I really love my present life a lot and it was easy to see where the last decade has made me who I am now. I’m really grateful for that.
I had a lot of years in my 20s where I felt like I was just hit by the struggle bus over and over (kind of literally too, I was hit in four different car accidents). I’m grateful to be on the other side where I feel like I have learned from my experiences, gained more empathy, and can just focus on my family and myself.
2009 to 2019 spanned the time of when I was 21 to 31. This decade was the decade where I made some of the biggest decisions in my life.
As far as life accomplishments, the last decade has seen me:
- get married
- graduate from my undergrad + grad degree
- teach Special Education + ESL
- move cross country twice
- own two different homes
- travel to 7 different countries
- read a lot of amazing books
- become a Mom
While these are packaged easily in the bullets above, the things I have learned have been huge. There are times I wish I could go back and comfort myself over the last decade. There were times I felt so lonely and alternately times when I felt so celebrated and loved, then there are times like now that are somewhere in between when I get to process all of the above.
It is fine to walk away.
This decade I learned it is okay to quit. I’m still practicing this, but I’m learning the longer I hold on to some things, the worse the whiplash is. Frankly, sometimes things don’t work out because they shouldn’t.
I’m learning to listen to my intuition but also give myself grace when I realize that sometimes my gut is just anxious.
I quit dysfunctional jobs. I stopped engaging with mixed signals over and over, and I walked away from people who confused control with love. I said no over and over and held space for myself. I stopped a graduate program that wasn’t right for me.
I used to feel a lot of anxiety about walking away, but I’m realizing that walking away means I’m giving myself the opportunity to walk to other things that don’t cause anxiety. If something is right, it will loop back around when the time is right.
Motherhood is a lot better than it is often portrayed.
I spent a long time being really scared to be a mom. I saw a lot of women resent their children, or the way they talked their kids was always negative. It was disheartening to see that when I was already anxious about it.
I’ve been a mom now for over a year and I really love it. However, the exhaustion is challenging sometimes, especially in the beginning.
I love having a little friend to always go places with. I have a library buddy. My little girl keeps me laughing at all of her funny little accomplishments. In the decade where I spent terrified of becoming a mother someday, I ended up finding my greatest joy has come from becoming a mother.
The irony is not lost on me.
The timing was exactly what it should have been, but I really cherish the time I have to love her.
Bodies never actually stop changing.
We often have the Sister missionaries from our church over for dinner. Since we’re not old enough to be considered dead by people in thier early 20s, they often ask us advice. I honestly usually tell them that people make a big fuss over puberty, but I was shocked at how much my body has changed in my 20s. Typically, they ask me if I’m referring to pregnancy.
Oddly enough, my body didn’t really change that much from pregnancy. While I have a few more stretch marks, everything is still pretty much shaped and proportioned the same. My clothes look the same on my body. I have many friends though who were shocked by those changes though and I know in subsequent pregnancies, I may have those changes too.
However, I explain that I’ve had hair loss in my 20s, I metabolize things differently, and my body shape changed a lot from my early 20s. I was diagnosed with an autoimmune illness that sometimes gives me painful flare ups. I have chronic pain in my neck. My knees crack and my neck grinds when I walk up stairs.
My body feels different than it used to, but I see the changes too. I have new lines popping up around my eyes. I have smile lines that are faintly starting to show up. There are days my eyes look a little more tired. I know I’m only 31 and I often get mistaken for younger, but I’m seeing changes from even a year ago. I’m okay with these changes because I know my body is going to keep changing and I know my body is working hard to do everything it does for me.
While the roles we play in life change, our worth never does.
I had several existential crises in my 20s and almost all of them revolved around finding employment, having toxic employment, or wondering how to identify myself because I was in between employment. I’m not currently employed beyond the income I make from my blog and some family photos I take, but I don’t mind. I wish I could back and tell myself that “a job” doesn’t define me. I always hoped something external would give me a sense of validation, and while it helped when things were going well, that validation crashed and burned when it wasn’t.
Somewhere along the way, I learned our worth never changes. God still loves me. I have the support and love of my husband always. When I became pregnant, I was surprised that I wanted to be a stay at home mom. I specifically chose a field where I could work if I wanted, and I’ll be honest, I’ve received job offers in the school system since I moved to Virginia.
I probably will formally “work” again outside the home when our kids are in school, but right now, I’m focusing on my little girl. … I should mention, I’m really enjoying this time a lot right now too.
Personal progress should go hand in hand with community support.
I just finished up a book about radical self-acceptance. The majority of the book was about our relationship with ourselves and I was totally here for it. However, towards the end of the book, the author mentions there are people that have tried really hard to grow personally, but stagnate. They keep working, but they don’t have the support around them to keep progressing.
She explains, with me paraphrasing, wounds begin when our connection to others is severed in some way. I heard her say this and literally clicked 15 second backs on on my audiobook over and over. She then said: “the healing happens when we can feel embraced.”
I’ve thought about this concept over and over the last year and it was excellent to hear it articulated. I lacked what felt like a coherent community in Georgia. Despite my attempts to develop it, it just didn’t happen. I always felt like an outsider for one various reason or another.
When we moved here, I started making community in ways I know would not have been possible in Georgia. The culture is just very different here and friendly to new people. I loved the lessons I learned in Georgia, but I needed community.
I am a social creature and I need people. I need positive people. I need activities with groups of people. I need people who are emotionally open and vulnerable. I need one on one time. I need people who encourage and cheer for me when I make accomplishments. I need the embrace that only comes from community. I am so grateful for the embrace I’ve received and hope to extend it as well.
I’ll be honest, my 20s were hard. I spent a lot of my time feeling extremely lonely. I began doubting myself and any of my abilities. I struggled finding hope in the future. This past year has restored my confidence in myself and in humanity as a whole. I love our life and I love where we live.
