For the last few years, I have chosen a word to represent my goals and hopes as an intention for the rest of the year; you can see my previous words and thoughts here.
This year, I chose the word COURAGE for myself. Typically, I wear a necklace with my word. I ordered a necklace for 2019, but I promptly stopped wearing it after my little girl kept choke holding me haha. I think I can wear a necklace again in 2020, but only time will tell.
This word has meant so much to me and carried me through highs and lows of this year.
This year took a lot of courageousness.
This year had massive health issues that still give me nightmares. I have a cardiologist, a neurologist, an endocrinologist, an OBGYN, a psychiatrist, a counselor, and a general practitioner now. I shared all of my experiences with different doctors over and over.
The short of it is: I had multiple infections at once that I later asked my OB to explain to me. The infections caused blood sugar issues, thyroid problems, and protein showed up in my urine. All of the above caused seizures which caused a slipped disc and concussion. I was told that I might have multiple different things after having seizures because of previous head trauma, an autoimmune illness, and a birth defect that could have caused the seizure activity. Through it all, our little girl had horrible colic and we had very little sleep. When some people have this many issues at once, they become delirious… and I was absolutely delirious. It was awful, scary, and something I wish to never repeat again.
There were nights that the anxiety of the whole situation absolutely consumed me. There were prayers, blessings, and tears. My body began healing though. My specialists began checking me off. My new counselor helped me restore confidence again in myself and my health. I found friends that I began opening up to after months of knowing them and was given so much unconditional kindness. Seeing blessings in our life have been so blatantly obvious.
Healing was a miracle. The community I have here is a miracle. I’m in awe of the many miracles we have had here.
When we moved here, we knew three different families.
Making friends takes courage. Putting yourself as a new mom in a new city takes courage. Letting myself fall into a new rhythm and trust people after a lot of traumatic friendship experiences takes courage. Unabashedly being yourself after feeling so much shame and anxiety around being me takes courage.
I now have so many genuine friendships. I am awe in how much kindness and love I have received. I have community support, tips on how to do things with baby when needed, and always a place to show up anytime I ask. I’m in a book club, I attend a congregation that has extended service without gossip, and I love our town home that has given us less responsibility and more time. Devin has an amazing job that supports his professional goals as well as our family ones.
When we were flying back from Christmas in Arizona this week, I told Devin that I was happy to go home. Virginia is home to me.
While I had many physical issues this year, what has been the most healing is healing many emotional wounds that have been festering for years. I feel a lot more peace than I have collectively had in years. I have seen God’s love through grief I have carried and His love through the people around me. We have been blessed over and over and over.
Looking back, I could have chosen many words that ended up representing 2019: community, home, routine, friendships, motherhood, unconditional love and kindness, grace. The list keeps going.
I learned this year that:
“In the midst of winter, I found there was, within me, an invincible summer.
And that makes me happy. For it says that no matter how hard the world pushes against me, within me, there’s something stronger – something better, pushing right back.” – Albert Camus
I learned this year I am strong. Despite so much adversity, I am courageous enough to do the one thing that a person can be afraid of after all of the ups and downs: I’m courageous enough to accept joy after its scarcity in the past. In 2020, I want to continue my pursuit of happiness.
♥♥♥