blooming in 2018 🌼 | when your word of the year changes

At the beginning of every new year, I choose a new word of the year to see me through my goals and vision. For 2018, I chose bloom for myself.

Georgia has not felt like home, I’ve experienced a lot of trauma here, and it has been challenging for me to replace positive experiences with that. The thought of moving and having a new environment in the future has been a saving grace (and obsession) to me when things have felt very unresolved or stressful.

JANUARY

I laid out some goals for myself about what I wanted Georgia to feel like. I wanted Georgia to feel more like home and I wanted to see more things here so I didn’t feel regret if we did move. I acknowledged that I didn’t want to be the type of person whose happiness was dictated on perfect circumstances. The list keeps going.

There was a video here, but it felt so personal that I took it out later.

FEBRUARY

After taking a friend’s child to the park, I realized maybe suburban life in Georgia wasn’t for us without children. At the time, we were trying to have a kid and it felt painful after working with a Doctor for almost two years to get my levels healthy enough for pregnancy. I discussed what I have learned about making friends as an adult here in large detail, but feeling lonely and removed from the season of life most of your peers are in is hard. I’m very gracious for the people who have included me the last few years regardless of our family status.

There was a video here, but it felt so personal that I took it out later.

MARCH

I realized part of my desire to live closer to some family was so I could have more of a relationship with them. Part of my grieving process about living in Georgia has been how far away we are from literally all family. It wasn’t intentional, but it was what we received when the job market was very hard hit. In times when Georgia has felt very lonely, it has been easy to think that if we moved somewhere else that we could at least have the crutch of family.

… and the videos stopped.

I have thought about recording a video every month, and still probably will to sum up this post in a video, but April came around for me to record and I had a sinus infection and didn’t know what else I could unpack in these videos. May came around and I realized I was pregnant and feeling under the weather. June came around and I realized out plans were changing even more with Devin’s job.

July is here, and well, I’m writing this post.

WHEN YOUR WORD OF THE YEAR CHANGES

Can I be honest about something? When I started this series, I fully intended on it being a video diary of me resolving my feelings so we could wrap up and say goodbye to Georgia. We were planning on scouting out places to live this summer and then moving after Devin’s promotion bonus next summer. We wanted somewhere with less commuting, a little bit more green space, and the thought of the Midwest has always made us pretty happy after visits. We’ve been talking about this for over a year and collecting ideas of places for even longer.

Want to know what happened instead?

We found out a week or two after I found out that I was pregnant that Devin would be job hunting now. We planned our first trip to scout out a place and came home earlier, without even visiting, because I was getting sick every hour in the car courtesy of pregnancy. I tried to press through and say we could just go on a trip when I felt better. At four months pregnant, we still have to bring the bowl in the car every time we go somewhere. I’ve been calling my car sick experiences barfing bingo to see the variety of places I get sick now; I’ve hit some low points, y’all.

My goal for this year was to bloom in Georgia and become a little bit more rooted. I expected it to come from wrapping up things and the feeling of resolution before a goodbye. I did not except it to come from finding comfort in familiarity when our world is changing in big ways.

WHAT MY WORD OF THE YEAR IS STARTING TO MEAN

I have no idea where Devin will get a job, but the easiest location is here. I’m rooting for him to find the best fit for him and our family. I’ve been really proud of how he has taken all of the changes with his career in stride. Have people treated me differently and been more inclusive since I have been pregnant? Yes, and while that has had a grieving process of its own, I am grateful for it. Do I still love my house? I always will. Do we see Georgia as a forever home? No. However, I’m open to surprises sometimes.

I’ve been thinking a lot less of us moving though to fix problems and more just on our home and getting through pregnancy. Blooming feels a lot less like moving now and a whole lot more like becoming a mother now. After years of wanting this badly, I guess that’s okay too. 💜