When we moved from our college town to Atlanta, I went from my highest point in my life socially to my lowest point for a few years. I am more settled here than before, but I am still actively working on it. I don’t usually put my social stuff up on social media because I tend to be private and I definitely don’t have a “squad.” I have blogging friends I’ve kept in touch with for years and a few close friends in real life. In the past, I was used to being involved in more social circles, but it isn’t something I have had here yet. However, I have learned a lot about other people and myself; I know this will be a life long journey. This is what I’ve learned about making friends as an adult so far.
your personality and season in life matter when making friends as an adult
This seems obvious, right? However, it wasn’t to me. I’m not a social chameleon, I’m just me all of the time. Part of that though, is that I highly value inclusion. Through plenty of therapy sessions, it has been brought home to me that I value inclusion so highly that it is abstract for me that others do not. I enjoy having friends with different opinions and lifestyles, but I realize now that it isn’t always a shared value or easy to balance.
I’ve had friendships slow or quick fade when they’ve entered new seasons of life. Friends I used to talk to on a daily basis became someone I would see every few months. Sometimes this has felt confusing: am I still friends with this person? Did I do something? Usually I find out the person has been dealing with something, or the new phase of life has been so consuming they haven’t had much to give to interactions for themselves. Sometimes the friendships come back around and sometimes they never do. I’ll usually try to communicate about it, but if it doesn’t go anywhere after that or the interaction isn’t positive, I usually fade out too.
As a married person who doesn’t drink alcohol (this is huge socially!) and lives in the suburbs in a religious culture where most people have 2-3 kids by my age: our time in Georgia has been not very socially fulfilling. As someone who has always been able to find friends, this has been a huge struggle for me. Since announcing our pregnancy, I have struggled a lot with how people’s interactions with me have changed; people are more open to me and want to talk a lot more. I’m forever grateful for the friends who have seen value in me even though my season in life has been different than theirs; it has sincerely been a lifeline for me the past few years.
I try to be very welcoming when I meet new people at church or elsewhere; I know literally how it feels to have people move away after you sit down your first Sunday in a new city or to be told that a seat is taken so many times that you finally just sit by yourself. It isn’t fun and I don’t want anyone else to ever feel like that.
neutral or good interactions matter when making friends as an adult
Interactions with people are an exchange of energy. When making friends as an adult, this is no different. At no fault of our own, I’ve noticed sometimes I just don’t mesh well with someone or it takes a lot more effort; it doesn’t mean the person is a bad person, it just means we don’t automatically mesh. I’ve also learned that a lot of times, I just don’t have a lot of energy to expend. With chronic illness, I especially can’t spend my time with a lot of negativity or I will have a flare up.
When I am low on energy, or I am dealing with personal chaos in my own life, I limit my interactions greatly with people as a personal boundary to myself. During this time, I come out of my metaphorical turtle shell for interactions that feel good or at least neutral. I’ve noticed when I have poor interactions with people during low energy times, it takes a lot more effort for me to recover from them or focus on happier things.
When I have more energy to expend, I focus on having more of a variety of social interactions. I look more at the bigger picture instead of day to day interactions with people. I find myself asking questions like: do I generally feel neutral or good after interacting with this person? Is this relationship adding to or subtracting from my quality life? I had a ton of positive social interactions in college, and I found that I had a lot of energy to expend because of it. My interaction pool here is fairly small and I have to weigh my energy expenditures a lot more heavily because of it.
I hope after time my tolerance for people and the energy I have can be increased, but at the moment with how I’ve been feeling with pregnancy, I’m definitely running on low. I love this podcast episode from Alison Faulkner here about having “seasons of yes” and “seasons of no.” I used to feel like I always had to say yes… which leads me to my next point.
givers, matchers, and takers
In college, I was so busy that I didn’t give a whole lot. When we moved to Georgia, I’ve had many periods of unemployment or times that Devin was gone more than he was home; I have run on a social deficit often. I used to feel the more I would serve people, the more it would equate to future friendships. I’ve learned instead to give service to people if I have the energy, if I feel I need to sincerely do something outside of my home to contribute, or if I get a little gut feeling telling me to do so. I’ve also learned to separate service in large part from making friendships; I don’t serve people with an expectation or hope anymore; I just do it because I sincerely want to. Giving service is different than enabling people or allowing them to mooch though; I don’t have time for either. There is a great podcast by Bold New Mom here on the topic of service and boundaries.
When it comes to established friendships though, I am happiest when in friendships with givers or matchers; you can read the dynamics of givers, matchers and takers here in greater detail.
Have you ever had friendships that left you empty because you’re always doing something for them, but you realize after a while it isn’t reciprocated? Me too. Have you ever had friendships that leave you energetically drained for too long? Me too. Have you ever felt friendships can’t progress because of a lack of communication? Me too. The list keeps going. All relationships aren’t built to last, but we can learn and grow from them (it kind of sucks though, let’s be honest).
The questions could keep going on, but what it comes down to for me is respect. A good friendship respects my core values, even if the other person has differing ones, and feels balanced in the big picture. Maybe someone in a specific season isn’t a good match, but it doesn’t mean that later they won’t be; sometimes part of the fun is seeing who you end up being friends with later as perspectives change and growth happens.
linking, ranking, & other behaviors when making friends as an adult
Developing good friendships isn’t a piece of cake. I’ve found that negative behaviors that I do not tolerate seem to be more of a limiting factor in developing friendships since there are so many positive attributes people can have. I don’t like being compared to others or being the butt of jokes. I like collaborating with people and hate the feeling of competition. I like when people acknowledge successes instead of ignoring them. I appreciate when people listen to trials I am having without minimizing, invalidating, or one-upping my experience. I love when people respect my boundaries as an individual and feel frustrated when I have to express that I have individual needs/differences over and over. I love having many friends, and I’m happy when my friends do too.
Elaine N. Aron is the author of (affiliate) The Highly Sensitive Person and she recently wrote a book called (affiliate) The Undervalued Self where she discusses linking and ranking. Aron’s research essentially says that linking behavior helps you connect with others and comes from a healthy place of self-esteem, whereas, ranking behavior isn’t about connection and is about hierarchies. I appreciate relationships that have more linking behaviors, but we all naturally use hierarchies in our lives too.
When it comes down to it, making friends as an adult…
takes effort. It is easy to be too busy, too tired, and too otherwise occupied to invest in friendships. It is easy to spend all of my time with my spouse when he is home, but one person can’t be expected to completely fill my well.
Some friendships naturally take less effort than others, and that’s okay. Some friendships have seasons where they burn bright and others when they are more a dim presence in life. I’m still learning a lot about making friends as an adult, and I’ll probably never stop learning, but I’m still hoping to develop more.
What are some things you’ve learned about making friends as an adult?
